#51: The Day The Routers Died

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_y36fG2Oba0

I found that absolutely hilarious. Kudos to SIR-Millar and the_angry_angel for bringing it to my attention :-)

#46: Zzzz

It is Friday, and I am bored at work. I have spent a large proportion of today on the excellent Facebook (that site truly is a procrastinator’s nightmare) and I am looking forward to going home.

This week has been absolutely exhausting to say the least. I was in a meeting room at hotel in Stevenage for the first three days of it, doing massively long days to try and get a project finished in time for Thursday. We were ready on time in the end, but circumstances changed and so the launch date has now been moved forward to a few weeks from now. I can’t say I’m not delighted about it - it’s given us more time to thoroughly test things so that we can actually release a top-notch product. This week has totally taken it out of me though, and I am seriously looking forward to crawling into bed and sleeping for about twelve hours this evening. There will be some beer being drunk in town first though, as that is definitely called for.

The show (Daisy Pulls It Off) went fantastically well in the end. We had big audiences every night and were sold out Friday and Saturday night, which was excellent. It’s much easier to perform when there’s a big audience and they keep the atmosphere and the laughs going - comedy is quite hard to pull off (excuse the name based pun) when people don’t find it funny. It was brilliant fun though and I was totally demoralised when it was over. I thought I’d escaped the post-show malaise as I was fine on Saturday night, but I think that was because I was at the after-show party and was drinking quite a bit of alcohol. It all hit me when I had to disassemble the set on Sunday morning with a bit of a hangover.

Not to worry though - rehearsals for the Christmas pantomime have now started. I’m playing Jack (one half of the famous “Jack and Jill”) and it’s looking to be quite a laugh so far, although far more energetic than what I’ve been used to! We had our first attempt at doing the dancing that goes along with the first song last night… not only was it absolutely knackering, it was damn hard as well. I’m totally out of practice! I’m looking forward to it, though.

I think I may have to be purchasing Halo 3 - having done some 3-player online on release day, I think it’s definitely going to be added to the games list. Awesome stuff!

#40: Choccy Woccy Doo Dah

I went to Brighton last weekend to meet some guys from IRC - namely #linux on irc.netgamers.org. I’d met a few of them before (idimmu, SIR-Millar and HRH_H_Crab) but the others (Jeekay, RR|Away and queball) were all new faces to me. It was a good fun day though - we sat on the seafront and drank quite a few pints, visited a good chip shop and talked a lot about things.

One of the highlights of the day though was visiting Choccy Woccy Doo Dah, which is a rather flamboyant cake shop. They apparently made all the cakes in the recent Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film, and I have to say that when I set foot in the shop, it was quite apparent. The cakes were absolutely massive, and for £3.95 you got a huge slice, drizzled with chocolate sauce and garnished with strawberries. I selected a cake that was all chocolate, with chocolate buttons on the top, chocolate filling and chocolate icing. It was totally decadent and I did almost feel guilty afterwards, but I have to say it was totally delicious. I just about managed to finish the slice and felt there was just the right amount there. Unfortunately for queball his eyes were bigger than his stomach, and he ordered a chocolate sundae *and* a slice of cake with jelly babies on - this wasn’t bad in itself, but he got the biggest slice of cake I have ever seen! It was nearly the size of his head, and he didn’t manage more than half of it before having to give in through sheer sugar overload.

I heartily recommend the place though, although it’s so unbelievably over the top, the cake is delicious and really something to try if you ever visit Brighton.

Here’s me enjoying my cake…

#38: Warlocks

While playing the increasingly-addictive World of Warcraft last night, I discovered that my warlock (who was the second character I got to level 60, in the days before The Burning Crusade) is absolutely awesome. In some cases, he’s so overpowered it’s unreal - I soloed a level 63 elite with him last night. Considering that elites have about three times the HP of a regular mob, hit three times as hard and usually have special abilities, I’m quite pleased with that. I needed a healthstone and a healing potion, but that was only because the chain fear I was using failed and he hit me over 1000 in a single hit :/

In slightly less geeky news, what the hell is going on with the weather?! As a person of slightly larger proportions, I don’t tend to complain about the weather not being as hot as it should be (it means I sweat less, and I can’t stand sweating) but seriously. It’s July and there seems to be no sign whatsoever of the sun. In fact, there’s a sign up on the wall in our office kitchen - it says, “MISSING: Large round yellow object that emits lots of heat and light. Usually seen in the blue mass above known as the sky. Answers to the name “Sun”. If you see him, tell him it’s f**king July!”

It made me chuckle when I first saw it.

#32: News

I paid attention to two news stories in the past couple of days, due to being bored at work and using net surfing as a source of procrastination.

1) http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6735631.stm
Paris Hilton got sent back to jail! I hope she does the female equivalent of dropping the soap in the shower and learns a lesson. She’s nothing but a deluded socialite who thinks that she can do anything she likes because Daddy has made a fortune, and she totally deserves to spend the time in jail. What sort of society are we living in where people can get out of jail after just three days and spend the time living in a cushy mansion somewhere under “house arrest”?

2) http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6732873.stm
So a white middle class girl called someone a nigger? Big deal, it’s happened before and it will happen again. The fact is that racism is an integral part of British society. It might not be right, but it is just something that is true. Everyone tries to claim that they are bigger than it, or that they love everyone equally, but it just isn’t true.

Think of it this way. Anyone who gets even slightly worried when a group of black people walks towards them on their walk home is technically a racist. Anyone who sees an Asian man in the street and thinks “I bet he’s either a doctor or owns a corner shop” is technically a racist. There are many more examples of this.

Political correctness has gone too far, and in my opinion, we are at risk of losing our British identity in an effort to be too tolerant and multicultural. Is it any wonder that the BNP have a lot of support in northern English cities? A lot of people do literally see the world as black and white, and the media circus that is created whenever something like this happens is just serving to unsettle the country. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we see another civil war at some point in my lifetime.

The other reality is that Big Brother only booted Emily from the house because of the Shilpa Shetty race row that got them negative publicity last time. They got a slap on the wrist from OFCOM and now they have to make examples of anyone who uses certain words on the show.

I’d like to know what Endemol would do if everyone else in the house got involved in an absolutely huge row and used “racist” words, to the point where they had no alternative but to throw all the housemates out. That’d make their overtired show a bit more interesting, wouldn’t it?!

#30: Defined

I did a meme on Facebook this morning with the title “How will you be defined in the dictionary?”

Do they actually know me, or something?! :scared:

#29: Measure this

Some units of measurement you rarely see:

2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

10 cards: 1 decacards

Force of 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

#27: History Lesson

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Ford.’
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘ Lincoln’ made by ‘Ford.’

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a
theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here’s the kicker…

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

#26: Humourous

The following questions and answers were collected from last year’s GCSE Exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds!)

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. Abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the Heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

#25: Im in ur internetz

I do like lolcats.

If you’re new to this interweb lark, and you want to know why that’s funny… give this a try.

My personal favourite at the moment -> this one